Soul Aches

In a whirl wind of quick decisions, I flew back to the states for a week.  Back at UPAVIM, I am becoming the new English Program Coordinator, and I need to stay through mid-July to facilitate new teacher trainings and transitions.  Y por eso, I had to come back for a week to get all my teacher certification testing done so I don't miss the boat on applying for teaching jobs next year.

Being back in the states, I've found that I'm out of rhythm here.  I feel out of place in this buzzing, fast, social world.  I know it's only been 4 months, and I know it takes time to re-acclimate.  But one day in, and I'm ready to head back to my street with the honking horns and fireworks and dog fights.  I already miss the cheek kisses, corn tortillas and kids begging me to play with them.  As a life-long nomad, I'm always searching for (and lacking at the same time) that sense of belonging.  I know that my time in Guatemala isn't forever.  But I fit there right now.  As crazy and intense and heartbreaking as life can be there, I also feel so loved.  And that brings a sense of belonging so loud that my heart wants to burst.

If you know me, you know that I am far too empathetic for my own good.  I deeply feel the emotions of others, and I sincerely hurt when others are hurting.  I think that it's up to me to fix everyone's problems.  And my soul is always aching to help everyone in the world.  This has gotten me into trouble with every job I've ever had, because I put so much of myself into helping others that I forget to leave some of myself for me. My friend Kelly once told me that my greatest strength and biggest fault are the same: that I care too much.  And she's right.  Being here in the states, my soul has been aching big time for my Guatemalan family.

Last night, I went to a friend's kick-off concert for his band's tour.  You know that scene in movies where the loudness of wherever the character is slowly drowns out, the camera pans around the person as they are looking around, feeling lost realizing they don't fit in. . . right before they either breakdown or leave?  That's what happened to me.  The screaming music that was blasting my ears slowly drowned out, and it was like I couldn't hear voices, but just saw all these people moving around me - drinking, dancing, flirting, arguing. . . .and I felt so out of place. I began to have a soul ache so huge that it turned into an anxiety attack and I had to leave.  Turns out, I have some hidden post-traumatic stress (or is it current traumatic stress if it's something ongoing?) from the violence of my neighborhood. People die a lot where I live, and the gang violence has increased in the last few weeks. There have been nightly gunshots, and my heart always hurts wondering who just lost someone they loved.  Every woman I meet continues to blow my mind with their stories of heartbreak.  My little Angel who can't come to school because he can't find shoes, my little Dulce who cries over terror of her mother beating her, my teaching partner who had to move in the middle of the night because the gang has put a target on her husband's head. . . .all of these things add up to some mega soul aching for me.As we were listening to that screaming music, I became overwhelmed by the thought that in my Guatemala home - someone at that same moment was screaming because the love of their life had been shot.

To you out there reading this, you might be thinking why in the hell would I be missing a place like that?  But, it's too hard to explain in words. It's the hugs and kisses and gratitude and laughter you'd have to feel to understand.  So just trust me when I say it's where I want to be.  And I know that I can't save or fix everyone.  And I know that me and my soul aches don't actually help anyone, they just keep me acutely aware of the world's pain. I will recover from last night, and will find ways to channel my soul aches - I always do. There is something so sobering about living where I have lived.  To hear and see how quickly life can be taken from you - it has made me feel deep in my bones the preciousness of life and the people in it.

Hey! You! You and your life are so precious! I hope you take a second right now to realize what an amazing gift of life you have, and take another second to tell someone precious to you that you love them.