Soul Aches

In a whirl wind of quick decisions, I flew back to the states for a week.  Back at UPAVIM, I am becoming the new English Program Coordinator, and I need to stay through mid-July to facilitate new teacher trainings and transitions.  Y por eso, I had to come back for a week to get all my teacher certification testing done so I don't miss the boat on applying for teaching jobs next year.

Being back in the states, I've found that I'm out of rhythm here.  I feel out of place in this buzzing, fast, social world.  I know it's only been 4 months, and I know it takes time to re-acclimate.  But one day in, and I'm ready to head back to my street with the honking horns and fireworks and dog fights.  I already miss the cheek kisses, corn tortillas and kids begging me to play with them.  As a life-long nomad, I'm always searching for (and lacking at the same time) that sense of belonging.  I know that my time in Guatemala isn't forever.  But I fit there right now.  As crazy and intense and heartbreaking as life can be there, I also feel so loved.  And that brings a sense of belonging so loud that my heart wants to burst.

If you know me, you know that I am far too empathetic for my own good.  I deeply feel the emotions of others, and I sincerely hurt when others are hurting.  I think that it's up to me to fix everyone's problems.  And my soul is always aching to help everyone in the world.  This has gotten me into trouble with every job I've ever had, because I put so much of myself into helping others that I forget to leave some of myself for me. My friend Kelly once told me that my greatest strength and biggest fault are the same: that I care too much.  And she's right.  Being here in the states, my soul has been aching big time for my Guatemalan family.

Last night, I went to a friend's kick-off concert for his band's tour.  You know that scene in movies where the loudness of wherever the character is slowly drowns out, the camera pans around the person as they are looking around, feeling lost realizing they don't fit in. . . right before they either breakdown or leave?  That's what happened to me.  The screaming music that was blasting my ears slowly drowned out, and it was like I couldn't hear voices, but just saw all these people moving around me - drinking, dancing, flirting, arguing. . . .and I felt so out of place. I began to have a soul ache so huge that it turned into an anxiety attack and I had to leave.  Turns out, I have some hidden post-traumatic stress (or is it current traumatic stress if it's something ongoing?) from the violence of my neighborhood. People die a lot where I live, and the gang violence has increased in the last few weeks. There have been nightly gunshots, and my heart always hurts wondering who just lost someone they loved.  Every woman I meet continues to blow my mind with their stories of heartbreak.  My little Angel who can't come to school because he can't find shoes, my little Dulce who cries over terror of her mother beating her, my teaching partner who had to move in the middle of the night because the gang has put a target on her husband's head. . . .all of these things add up to some mega soul aching for me.As we were listening to that screaming music, I became overwhelmed by the thought that in my Guatemala home - someone at that same moment was screaming because the love of their life had been shot.

To you out there reading this, you might be thinking why in the hell would I be missing a place like that?  But, it's too hard to explain in words. It's the hugs and kisses and gratitude and laughter you'd have to feel to understand.  So just trust me when I say it's where I want to be.  And I know that I can't save or fix everyone.  And I know that me and my soul aches don't actually help anyone, they just keep me acutely aware of the world's pain. I will recover from last night, and will find ways to channel my soul aches - I always do. There is something so sobering about living where I have lived.  To hear and see how quickly life can be taken from you - it has made me feel deep in my bones the preciousness of life and the people in it.

Hey! You! You and your life are so precious! I hope you take a second right now to realize what an amazing gift of life you have, and take another second to tell someone precious to you that you love them.

A little bit a love and a lot bit of faith

It has been so wonderful spending this week leading up to Easter in my La Esperanza community.  The devotion this community has to their religion is beautiful and inspiring to me. While I was playing basketball with two of my favorite kiddos, they invited me to church Thursday night.  These two brothers are terrors during the day at school.  They rarely listen, cause havoc, leave class, and every day the teachers end with headaches from these two.  But outside of school?  They are respectful, playful, sweet caring and kind.  This will be the thing I will miss most when I teach back in the states.  If I struggle with a kiddo inside school here, I just go hang out with them in the community - playing soccer, eating cookies, swimming in the ocean - and it makes me love and appreciate my kids, and it makes my struggles with them more bearable in the classroom.  But back home, it's taboo to just walk up to a student's house and ask if they can come out and play.  

Mass Thursday night surrounded the theme of washing your neighbors feet.  The gesture of washing someone's feet is supposed to be an act of kindness, forgiveness, care and love.  When the Padre invited the congregation to wash someone's feet - little 5th grade Daniel took my hand and walked me up.  As he was washing my feet, I was touched and a little teary eyed over the tenderness of the gesture of this 10 year old boy.  

Yesterday I headed outside at sunrise to help build an alfombra (rug) with everyone.  On Good Friday, the church has a procession for the stations of the cross, and each community builds a beautiful alfombra for the procession to stop at and pray.  Ours was made out of colored sawdust - and it was super fun building together.  Later in the day, I joined the church processional, and was asked to carry the processional alter with 3 other women. 

The stations of the cross ended with  a captivating and rather gruesome crucifixion of Jesus.  The end was gory, but seemed like an appropriate portrayal for a community that lives with violence every day.  It was a great, faith and family filled few days, and I feel blessed that the community embraced me during this week of their biggest traditions. 

My buddies! Daniel on the left is the kiddo that washed my feet. 

Building the Alfombra!

Me carrying the processional alter

You are my other me

Much like the super highs and intensely rough lows of living here, there are some intense dichotomies that exist in this community. I work in a women's co-op, with 72 amazing and talented women.  Within these walls they are independent, strong, hilarious, loud and empowered.  Through their crafts, teaching and advocacy they fight for a better life for themselves and their community.  They have faced more challenges than any people I have ever met, and in the face of genocide, machismo husbands and abusive gangs, they still have been able to stand strong.

Outside this building?  Nightly gunshots ring through the air.  Drunken men cat call us as we walk by, and sixth grade boys mimic their fathers, yelling obscenities at us and other women.  One of our volunteers has been inappropriately groped by men on the road. And the women go home (not all, but the vast majority) and are beaten by their husbands.

This women's cooperative does not open it's doors to the men.  Men can't work here, and there is no place for boys to volunteer or positively spend time after leaving 6th grade.  Through the absence of men in this building, we are telling these boys that there is no place for them here.  We are telling them that they are just going to end up drunk and in a gang, and we don't approve.  And so, I feel as though we pre-destine them to this life cycle.  What other choices are we showing them?  Before even coming here, I knew the community needed positive male role models in the community. I told people that it would be my mission to tackle that "small" task.  Now, being here, I hear the words of the woman that interviewed me "Courtney, if you want to, that would be great.  We just haven't figured out how to implement something like that yet."  And here I am, wondering the same thing. When I went on my cross country volunteer trip last year, I met a police woman who volunteered at a community center in Dallas.  She said to me "These people here, they contradict the attraction to gang violence."  That's what this place desperately needs.  A safe place that pulls kids in, turning their attention away from the only option they currently see.

And so, as I haven't yet figured out yet how to do that for the boys. . . I'll keep fostering an empowered fight in the girls. I've started a Chicas Poderosas (Powerful Girl's) Club with my friend Meagan.  Every Friday we hang out.  These girls have so much to say - about their roles in their house, about the violence they see, about the reasons why they need a safe and sacred space to be girls.

This week as a school, we also went to a city wide speech competition.  The theme of the speeches was "Why is education important and how can we make it better?"  Our 6th grade UPAVIM girl got first place.  She spoke about violence, about demanding more from this life and about education being the opportunity for "una vida mejor." I got goosebumps seeing this little activist storm the stage.

And while it isn't perfect, and while I will still continue searching for ways a white girl can come to Guatemala and empower a group of boys, I will keep being inspired by the amazing mujeres and chicas poderosas of this community.

Here is a poem - from Luis Valdez's poem "Piensimientos Serpentino" - that we start and end each day with the Chicas.

"Tú eres mi otro yo.
You are my other me.
Si te hago daño a ti,
If I do harm to you,
Me hago daño a mi mismo.
I do harm to myself.
Si te amo y respeto,
If I love and respect you,
Me amo y respeto yo.
I love and respect myself."

Here are the Chicas, making a banner for our group

Here's Michelle and her proud class-mates

R and R

After a tough few days, preceded by a tough few weeks, I decided to take a romantic getaway . . .for one.  I packed up and left for 4 days to a lodge nestled in the mountains above Antigua.  For these three nights, I did nothing but sleep in hammocks, read books, draw, do yoga, and eat delicious food.  I've never been one to indulge myself.  My mind is too busy buzzing with my to-do lists, and my pockets feel the burn of spending money.  But, for possibly the first time ever, I spent 4 days of doing absolutely nothing else, but spending time and money indulging my peace of heart. And it was BIEN worth it.

A few months before trekking down here, I went to a panel discussion on "Art Inspiration."  One panelist, when asked where she finds her inspiration, said, "I can't afford to be choosy when it comes to inspiration.  Everything is game to inspire me, anything from a beautiful person to an aluminum can on the side of the road."  I love that idea, and choose to apply this to life at large.  When I remember to open my eyes, I am often surprised by the amount of inspiration surrounding me.

When I was at the lodge, I got to share a little slice of life with Maurine and her beautiful daughters.  I found a kindred spirit in Maurine, and over dinner we shared laughs, frustrations and tears.  She has taken her daughters on adventures around the world, and the confidence I saw in those girls inspired me.  On our last night together, we went sauna-ing.  As we were about to head in, Maurine asked "You don't care if we go in naked do you?" I didn't.  But I also have never been a person who can easily shed my clothes. I've always hate that women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies, but have spent too many of my years hating my own. As we all sat desnudo in the sauna, I was in awe of a high school girl sitting so easily in her skin. As we left the sauna, I found my favorite constellations and danced under the stars in a field all to myself.  It filled my soul with peace and calm - a super freeing momento, that has kept a smile on my face for days. It was an honor to be in the presence of such beautiful, empowered girls, and it made me excited to return back to my community of inspiring women.  

See that little tuft of smoke?  The volcano has a tiny eruption every half hour.  It was cool to feel hear the tiny rumblings. 

 Yoga time

 I always find the women carrying things on their heads to be so beautiful.